Our relationships with friends and family are essential for a happy and healthy life. Are you giving yours the proper TLC and attention they deserve? Good communication skills are a must to get along with others. Revisiting the basic fundamentals regularly is essential to keeping our relationships strong.
Dale Carnegie, writer, lecturer, and expert on self-improvement and communication outlines simple steps you can take to better communicate with the people who count in your life. His timeless classic, “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, is as relevant today as it was when first written in 1936. ⠀
I was first introduced to Dale Carnegie when I was a kid listening in on my dad as he readied for his course after work; a must-attend class for the managers at Xerox. Like me, my dad wasn’t a fan of public speaking, but the course gave him the tools and confidence to make presentations and communicate better with colleagues.
Fast forward 40+ years and I picked up the book to learn those same tools to better communicate with my teenagers. Those teenage years weren’t easy, but learning and incorporating the fundamentals, like not criticizing and condemning, helped me get along better with my kids.
Learning to listen is most important, then and now. When the other person feels unheard, they get defensive or shut down, and communication deteriorates.
Dale Carnegie’s wisdom seems especially appropriate now. If you spend any time watching the news or scrolling through social media, you will see that polite communication has gone out the window. Recent events that have shaken our country have triggered deep emotions in people. Common decency and respect for one another are often lost.
Why has it become so difficult for people to put their opinions aside to get along with one another?
Social issues can shake our core and activate something deep within. When the beliefs we hold true are threatened, it triggers a response that sends the body into a fight, flight, or freeze mode. When someone overloads themselves with opposing information that feels like a threat to their beliefs, clear and respectful communication can be a challenge.
When we’re stressed, it’s difficult not to react and see another person’s viewpoint.
Communication problems are often at the root of a rift in a relationship. Listening and having mindful interactions without reacting is critical to getting along.
Mindfulness and practicing the wisdom in this book can help navigate our differences with skill and grace.
1. Smile. It costs nothing but creates much.
The effects of a smile are powerful and speak louder than words. It says, “I’m happy to see you. I’m happy to be here.”
Carnegie challenged thousands of his students to smile at every person every hour. If you don’t feel like smiling, force yourself. Acting like you’re already happy will make you happy. If you act angry, you will be angry.
The results of his challenge were positive. One gentleman, who seldom smiled at his wife, noticed a sharp reversal in his attitude, which brought more happiness into their home than they’d seen in years.
“The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back.” ⠀
2. Greet people with enthusiasm and energy.
Carnegie learned from his dog Tippy, that like most dogs, Tippy had a divine instinct to greet people with excitement and love. But unlike dogs, people are mostly interested in themselves. It’s human nature. For example, if you’re in a group photo, who are you most likely to look at first?
If we want to make friends, we must put ourselves out there and be interested in others and what they like to do. If you want someone to be nice to you, smile at them first. If you need a helping hand, make sure you are there to offer one.
“If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends. Real friends are not made that way. “ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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3. Show respect for the other’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
If you’re wrong, admit it. The only way to get the best of the argument is to avoid it. You may win the argument, but you may lose your goodwill. Admitting that you may not be right to the other person, can take all the fight out of them.
“Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes- and most fools do- but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes. When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong, let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. “⠀⠀⠀
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4. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. ⠀
When people look to criticize others, it can hurt their sense of importance and pride. It can open a wound and cause the person to get defensive and arouse resentment.
As much as we crave approval, we dread condemnation. It’s always possible to take a different approach. Look for the other person’s good; humans do better when rewarded.
Focus on the good, not the bad. Try to see things from the other’s persons viewpoint. Why not regulate and improve ourselves first? “Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof when your doorstep is unclean.”
“Any fool can criticize, complain, and condemn—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”⠀⠀⠀⠀
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5. Be a good listener.
When others share the things they love, they’ll feel good as they talk.
Listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone. Exclusive attention to the other person is so important; nothing else is so flattering. It shows you care.
“Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.”
6. Give honest and sincere appreciation. ⠀
Everybody likes a compliment. William James said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” It’s a desire to feel important that drives many to seek appreciation.
Some feel important by doing for others and some by winning sympathy and attention.
“Most will do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than criticism. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation.”
Giving our relationships that extra TLC by improving our communications skills will help keep our relationships strong. Practicing mindfulness and the classic tools from Dale Carnegie’s classic will help us all better navigate our differences in good times and bad.
The Intuitive Mind Is a Sacred Gift and the Rational Mind Is a Faithful Servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.