Have you ever walked on eggshells around someone you care about, questioning how much you should tolerate for the relationship?

I recently faced this challenge with a friend whose sense of superiority often left me feeling frustrated and powerless. As I struggled with my feelings and how it was affecting my wellbeing, I asked myself:

How tolerant am I expected to be? When does tolerance shift from a virtue to a burden?

These questions led me to explore what tolerance really means – not just as something we’re told to do, but as a guide for navigating difficult friendships.

What Does Tolerance Really Mean in Our Closest Relationships?

Looking up the word, I found tolerance means “having the ability or willingness to tolerate something, especially opinions or behavior we don’t agree with.” Going deeper into its 600-year-old etymology, tolerance meant “to be free of bigotry or severity in judging others.”

What does this mean for us today, in our close relationships with people we care about?

Timothy Keller puts it beautifully:

“Tolerance isn’t about not having beliefs. It’s about how your beliefs lead you to treat people who disagree with you.”

It’s not about giving up what we believe in – it’s about how we handle our differences.

It’s hard when we disagree with friends about things we both feel strongly about.  Conversations can get heated, emotions rise, and words can hurt. As the Dalai Lama says,

“In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.”

Sometimes our closest friends unknowingly show us where we need to grow and where we need to set boundaries.  These difficult conversations, though challenging, often teach us the most about ourselves and our relationships.

John F. Kennedy reminds us that being tolerant doesn’t mean being weak in our convictions:

“Tolerance implies no lack of commitment to one’s own beliefs. Rather it condemns the oppression or persecution of others.”

We can stand firm in what we believe while still being kind and understanding toward others.

I love how Paulo Coelho puts it:

“In order to have faith in his own path, he does not need to prove that someone else’s path is wrong.”

This simple truth reminds me that we don’t need to win every argument or prove others wrong to be right ourselves.

Finding the Balance: When to Stay and When to Walk Away

Franklin D. Roosevelt saw the bigger picture when he said,

“If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships – the ability of all peoples, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace.”

Wilbert E. Scheer adds a practical touch, calling tolerance “the oil which takes the friction out of life.”

When I catch myself being quick to judge, I think about what Malcolm X once said:

“Don’t be in a hurry to condemn because he doesn’t do what you do or think as you think or as fast. There was a time when you didn’t know what you know today.”

This helps me pause and reflect before reacting.

George Eliot tells us “the responsibility of tolerance lies with those who have the wider vision,” while Voltaire believed that “discord is the great ill of mankind; and tolerance is the only remedy for it.” Ralph W. Sockman adds another perspective: “The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.”

We all see the world differently, and what feels right to one person might not feel right to another. That’s why a healthy dose of respect, kindness, and patience matter when communicating our differences.

Tolerance isn’t about putting up with disrespect or compromising what we believe in. It’s about finding a way to understand each other while staying true to ourselves.

And sometimes, when we’re walking on eggshells around someone we care about, we need to remind ourselves that true friendship shouldn’t leave us feeling frustrated and powerless.

The relationships that matter are worth the effort, but they should lift us up, not wear us down. It’s about discovering the sweet spot – acceptance for who they are while honoring our own wellbeing. Sometimes that means setting stronger boundaries, and sometimes that means letting go.

Trust yourself to know the difference.