What does tolerance mean to you?
I recently asked myself this question and explored the concept of tolerance, as it was gently suggested that I wasn’t acting in a tolerant way. Many of us strive to be tolerant in our daily lives, but how tolerant are we expected to be with each other? When there are differences in opinions or beliefs, where do we draw the line when tolerance is expected regardless of someone’s actions or behavior when expressing their point of view? How do we integrate tolerance when it feels like our boundaries and beliefs are discounted?
Conversations about social issues, and our beliefs about them, can cause the stirring of emotions. It’s not always easy to hear when someone offers an opposing opinion from our own. It gets harder to hear when the delivery is the opposite of polite conversation. Elevated emotions coupled with opinion instead of critical thinking, can block our ability to really listen to the other person share their perspective. The exchange of words can become unbalanced, confused, and painful. In response, we may bury our emotions for the sake of respecting the relationship, and in the end, we accept the uncomfortable exchange just to keep the peace. When do we walk away, and when do we continue to endure out of loyalty and love? Is this tolerance toward conflicting beliefs, or is this a lesson for learning mutual respect, active listening, and discernment?
A recent text exchange with a friend to smooth over some bumpy emotions got me thinking just that. How much tolerance is expected of both of us in this relationship? The first question you might ask would be, what’s the level of the relationship you’re talking about here, is this an acquaintance or is this someone closer and more valuable in daily life? It seems likely that the more you have invested or at stake, the more you would tolerate. But, is tolerating the same as tolerance?
In a perfect world, this would be an unnecessary thought. We’d be enlightened, accepting, and never triggered. But most of us aren’t wired that way, and when two people are passionate about an issue with opposing views, heated words and inflamed feelings can get the best of us. It’s difficult to know how to proceed once the disagreement has started. We can’t take back our words, we can’t deny our feelings, and it’s not always easy to find the middle ground. It’s also not clear what’s on and off-limits in a conversation until it goes south. A conversation gone bad that results in hurt feelings on both sides may not find a quick resolution or one at all.
In my case, my friend and I cleared the air after a few months. Time passed, tempers cooled, and well wishes were shared, but then the word “tolerance” was suggested as we looked ahead. Just like that, I felt the sting I’d felt months earlier. A surge of adrenaline brought back the feelings from our original conversation. Had it been suggested that I be more tolerant or was that meant for the both of us? Regardless, it didn’t sit well. A quick dictionary deep dive was my first order of business to figure out why this word triggered me. This led me to inquire, what is the real meaning of tolerance?
What does it mean to be tolerant of each other?
Since the conversation with my friend contained painful moments of reactions and self-reflection, I leaned into the word tolerance as it related to pain. How much pain can one tolerate? Everyone has different sensitivities and tolerance for physical pain, so I would imagine based on temperament, it would be the same for emotions. What are the limits to how much pain is expected of us to endure from another? Would we want the people we care about to have to tolerate us if we caused them discomfort? How much would we be willing to accept or expect of others on the typical pain scale 1 – 10?
According to Websters online, tolerance means “having the ability or willingness to tolerate something, the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with.” or, “the capacity to endure continued subjection to something, especially a drug, transplant, antigen, or environmental conditions, without adverse reaction.” To go a little further, I looked up the meaning from Etymology dictionary online, a 600+-year-old word meanings, tolerance meant “to be free of bigotry or severity in judging others.”
It seems rather virtuous to willingly endure someone else’s beliefs or behavior with fairness and objectivity, regardless of your own beliefs or opinions. It shows great maturity to show respect and patience to another’s opinions especially when we don’t accept them as our own. Listening with compassion to understand another’s point of view is a good example of tolerance.
The deeper question I struggle with is where do we draw the line when tolerance and respect conflict? Tolerance should not require us to accept or endure any form of disrespect or discrimination. In an acceptable society, discernment seems necessary. We must have the ability to distinguish truth for ourselves. As we move through life, we gather information from our day-to-day experiences and adopt our beliefs and behaviors along the way. We discern right from wrong, good from bad, and what’s acceptable and unacceptable for ourselves. We bear witness to what’s happening in the world and apply our own rules and conditions as we see fit. Different people believe different things.
As we wrestle with tolerance, we must understand that our individual beliefs and differences exist and what is right or wrong for one person isn’t necessarily the same for another. A healthy dose of respect, kindness, and patience seems necessary when communicating our differences. When healthy communication is lost, we need to ask the tough question of ourselves to be sure we are tolerating each other for the right reasons. Only we can decide that for ourselves.
As I reflect on my own situation of being told to be tolerant, it has become clearer how I want to behave in the future. Patience, respect, and honesty must prevail. I’ll do my best to communicate with honesty and respect and breathe deeply when my emotions rise. Life will be simpler, happier, and more peaceful if I discern more and react less.
10 Favorite Quotes on Tolerance
Here are 10 favorite quotes to help us practice tolerance for peaceful interaction with each other.
In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher.
Tolerance implies no lack of commitment to one's own beliefs. Rather it condemns the oppression or persecution of others.
In order to have faith in his own path, he does not need to prove that someone else's path is wrong.
Tolerance isn't about not having beliefs. It's about how your beliefs lead you to treat people who disagree with you.
If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships - the ability of all peoples, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace.
Tolerance is the oil which takes the friction out of life.
The responsibility of tolerance lies with those who have the wider vision.
Discord is the great ill of mankind; and tolerance is the only remedy for it.
The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.
Don't be in a hurry to condemn because he doesn't do what you do or think as you think or as fast. There was a time when you didn't know what you know today.