Breaking up, breaking free, letting go of our grudges, resentments, and anger is hard to do.    Accepting and forgiving isn’t easy; for some it’s unthinkable.

 “Many of us carry grudges for years and years. We feel self-righteous because of what they did to us. I call this being stuck in the prison of self-righteous resentment. We get to be right. We never get to be happy.” – Louise Hay

WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO FORGIVE?

Perhaps old childhood pain showing up?

Avoiding the appearance of looking weak?  

Change unseen, no remorse?

Our own righteousness?

Retribution? An eye for an eye.

Fear of confrontation? Avoidance is easier, feels safe.

Fear we won’t be forgiven? Feeling vulnerable; exposed. 

Not letting go serves value. It provides an excuse to be angry or resentful; an assurance that the misdeed will not be forgotten. It’s the story we tell ourselves instead of facing the deep truths of our discomfort.  We shield ourselves from what’s happening deep inside; we deny our under the surface feelings.  Our survival instinct kicks in and protects us from getting hurt again.  Our fears, judgements, and limiting beliefs have gone unnoticed because we avoid, blame or deny understanding our real pain.  Our ego has become a protective barrier.  A tough barrier for some.   

Forgiveness. Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. 

WHY DOES FORGIVENESS MATTER?

When we cling to the negative memories of our past, we relive the pain repeatedly; hurting ourselves and preventing our healing.  Chronic anger and resentment can put you into a constant state of fight-or-flight, changing your heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. 

In Heal Your Life, Louise Hay detailed the mental cause of physical ailments suffered by her patients.  “Resentment long held can eat away at the body and become a disease.   Criticism can often lead to arthritis in the body.  Guilt always looks for punishment and punishment creates pain.  Fear can cause baldness, ulcers and even sore feet.  It is vital that we let go of these negative beliefs.”  

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.” –Martin Luther King, Jr.

Acceptance and forgiveness may mean admitting to ourselves that we are imperfect; ridding ourselves of the illusion of the perfect self.   We may have to let go of victimhood to see those who hurt us in a different light.  Walking the path to understand another’s journey and what may have led to the offense can help towards acceptance.  Life circumstances make us who we are. People have different personalities, backgrounds and life experiences.  We each have a unique perspective.  Hardship, abuse, loss, illness, a few of the difficult challenges people may have faced; we can’t know what life is like to walk in another’s shoes.  

Oprah brilliantly describes forgiveness on her Soul Series, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different.  It makes it easier to let go so that the past doesn’t hold you prisoner or hostage.”

We can’t change the past, but we can reframe the way we remember it.  We are human and connected to each other.  We expect understanding and forgiveness from others, how can we not give others the same consideration?